Fake Love

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Fake Love:

 

As I lay in bed awake at 5:21am watching the clock tick away, I decide now is the time to start writing my thoughts as I have been intending to do so for some time. Meanwhile, all I wish at this moment is that I did something more than absolutely nothing today so that I’d be tired enough to actually fall asleep at a decent hour. “Relax Jaime, you work a lot” they tell me. Problem is, I honestly feel like I don’t truly know HOW to. Hence my being wide awake right now after doing almost nothing on this Sunday fun day! I mean, I know how to do very little, but even as I do nothing, all I’m thinking about are the things I could/should be doing. Like what? No clue, to be honest. Stuff?! My brain, however, relentlessly insists that giving myself a day to myself is borderline blasphemy, so while my body is chillin’, I can’t ever shut my brain down. I am grateful for my boy Birch and the crew for Sunday night bowling which proved to be the only thing that could get me up and out of my drawers and into the shower to meet up and be social! (Just a little backstory of my day, it’s going somewhere, promise.)

 

Get to the bowling alley, hugs and ting are exchanged with the homies, and within a few minutes, as the Drake lover that I am, Birch tells me about a few new Drake tracks that dropped today (October 23). I naturally ignore the fact that it’s my turn to bowl to instantly scour the Internet to find said tracks of my favourite rapper. I find them. Playing them on repeat immediately ensues. Most notably: Fake Love. “I got fake people showing fake love to me… straight up to my face… straight up to my face.” 

 

It’s funny, my entire adult life I’ve dealt with this phenomenon and I’ve never truly understood it. Recently someone wrote: “keep proving them haters wrong!” on a social media post of mine. My IMMEDIATE reply without thinking was: “I have haters? Haha!” It was funny to me as I thought about it afterwards because why should I, I thought? I don’t interfere with you, I keep my head down and work hard, I take care of my Ma Dukes- my most favourite human being, and I treat my friends GREAT… Anyone hating me, especially at this stage of my life, is them demonstrating how unhappy THEY are inside. Which is both sad and cowardly. Having grown up in Toronto, at the minimum, people there act like they don’t like you when they don’t like you. I dig that. It’s respectable. West coast/Vancouver folks though… It’s something different. The first people that often shower me with congratulations and affection, hand-shakes and hugs, drinks and invitations to hang out are the same one’s I’ll hear are throwing shade my way behind my back.

 

Life really has the ability to make you jaded and I’m finding it harder and harder to keep my light shining brightly.

 

As an actor, I’m faced with the reality that I pretend for a living. I literally have to prove myself daily, week-after-week, month-after-month to the same casting directors and producers that have seen and booked me now 29+ times prior. Yet in this profession, like Childish Gambino so eloquently put it in his Netflix comedy special: “acting is the only profession where we have to continually prove that we STILL know how to act.” That line resonates with me (and every actor) so much it’s crazy. On top of not being enough 9 out of 10 times, the act of trying to be that perfect puzzle piece for production to hire you, finding balance, financial security, a measure of a personal life without people low-key wishing you’d fail, all stacks up to be this overwhelming weight on my chest that almost has me feeling like it’s not worth it. But it is worth it. Some days I feel so alone even when surrounded by more people than I can count. I often wonder if I moved back home to Toronto and was around those people I grew up with, would it be different? I mean, VanCity is like a second home and I’ve been here near half of my life, but I’ve never felt like I’m ‘home’ when here, large in part to the people. There are some damn amazing people (Sean, Fondals, Syd and others I wish I could list) that honestly keep me sane, motivated and grateful to have. And so many more that if I didn’t call/text/bbm them, invite them to chill or to various functions, to come to my nights etc, I’d never hear from them. Weakest part about those people? They’re going to be the first ones to say: “man, this guy got big and now he doesn’t remember people.” No ‘bro’, we were boys for 5/10/15 years and our relationship ceased to exist the day I stopped putting 100% of the effort in to MAINTAIN it. That sh*t makes me mad. I have some ‘friends’ that every single time their girlfriend would dump them, they’d run to me. I’d drop everything to console them, cry on my shoulder, but when said girl decided she wanted them back, guess how quickly I was forgotten. Dudes that owe me thousands of dollars but simultaneously can afford to travel the world without an ounce of guilt for not having paid me, their ‘boy’ back. This one moron dj once went to my ex and told her a set of nonsense (that he could never prove) about how I cheated on her and this and that. Meanwhile this same guy has never been faithful to a single one of his girlfriends, literally not one. I know this because I WATCHED him do the various girls dirty over the years, yet this Judas character has the audacity to put my name on the block for no reason other than to make himself feel like a hero, but will see me in pubic and go out of his way to nice me up. Cool, I get it, Marvel Comics are super popular these days, everyone wishes they had super-powers. But at another mans expense that has never done anything but been cool with you? Your level of fakeness is sickening and what plagues this city and era. Why so many people struggle to stay in their own lane and focus on their own affairs, I’ll never understand. I feel like I’m surrounded by thousands of grown adults with some sort of Peter Pan syndrome and insist on forever acting like teenage kids.

 

If you don’t like me, don’t like me. I very-well may not like you, too. Difference though, you won’t ever catch me singing your business on the block nor chatting your name to randoms because it’s soft. It serves me no purpose and it’s soft. You’re corny and soft.

 

Moral of the story… Drizzy Drake: I may not be as big as you (yet) but I feel you, homie… it sucks. You’re not being sensitive. Fake people showing fake love suck.

 

Listen to “Fake Love” here

 

-jmc